Rest in peace, Andy Swan
On July 27, 2007, when I was only 16 years old, I started a project called “andyswan_fans”. I was a fan of the actor Matthew Gray Gubler by that time and so I was familiar with the “Unauthorized Docs”. Andy’s work. I thought this man deserves a fan page as he was not only a great film maker but also a part of the big Criminal Minds family. He was the prop master on set. Every time you see blood or body parts in the first seasons of CM you know “Oh that was Andy!”. Thanks to Lee who knew Andy before I did I started writing emails with Andy. He really liked the idea of the fan page and was surprised how many people joined it. I had a lot of fun doing this project.
At one birthday, I collected postcards from his fans and sent them to him. He loved it!
Andy supported me a lot and for that I am thankful. When I was 16, my interest for movies started to grow. I asked Andy a lot about the business I was eager to learn everything I could from him. He sent me his scripts and asked for my opinion. MY opinion. I was in heaven. He knew so much about movies and stuff and now he wanted to know what I think about his work. And even when I asked on Facebook if anyone knew a job for me in LA in summer, he was the first who said “Sure, let’s see what I can do!”. It didn’t work out in the end because I didn’t get a work visa. That is just how Andy was: no matter what it was, he always tried to help. I will for ever regret that we didn’t meet. For 4 years I wanted to meet him in real life. But I never had the chance. Wether it was because I had no money or becaue my life was just crazy and I had no time. I always thought “Maybe next summer, when things have settled, when I have money.”. But last year Andy got sick and I was moving again (third time in 4 years). Now it’s too late. I can’t even say Goodbye. No money for the flight. But I said goodbye in my prayers. I don’t believe in God or anything. I just think there is something out there we can’t explain.
I have the feeling that Andy said goodbye to me Saturday night. Why I think that? Call me crazy, I don’t care. I had a dream that felt so real... In my dream we (his friends and family, I remember Tim and Lee being there) were all in a big ball room which was decoratet in violet and black. We had great food and were laughing. Tim told a story about Andy (I can’t remember it) and he said: “Andy would love to see all this, see how we celebrate his life and to see us all together as Team Swan.”. Then I woke up. As I said, you can call me crazy but I really think this was his way of saying goodbye and maybe I wasn’t the only one with that dream.
So what will be left of Andy Swan? After 4 years and all my ups and downs in those years, I will always remember his heartwarming charakter, the love he gave, his work. He will be always in my heart as the person who light my fire for movies, the passion I have now would have never been possible without him. The things I have learned would have never been possible without him. My english skills wouldn’t be so good without him. I remember the time when I was sitting with a dictionary in front of my laptop and translatet the docs.
Andy, I miss you and will never forget you. I’m sure we’ll meet one day. This is all I have to say for now and I will and this message with a quote from Jim Beaver’s book “Life’s that way”. He lost his wife because of cancer.
“Does anyone know where I can find a copy of the rules of thought, feeling, and behavior in these circumstances? It seems like there should be a rule book somewhere that lays out everything exactly the way one should respond to a loss like this. I’d surely like to know if I’m doing it right. Am I whining enough or too much? Am I unseemly in my occasional moments of lightheartedness? At what date and I supposed to turn off the emotion and jump back on the treadmill of normalcy? Is there a specific number of days or decades that must pass before I can do something I enjoy without feeling I’ve betrayed my dearest love? And when, oh when, am I ever really going to believe this has happened? Next time you’re in a bookstore, ask if there’s a rule book. ”
