Do you know the feeling of absolute sadness? The perfect funeral? The endless flow from unshed tears?
Do you know the feeling that would want to break your heart? As it would restrict only the chest and before that stop?
Do you know the feeling that you could not longer life? As if this grief too great for your soul?
know the feeling you want to die to free your soul crying? To get her out of her hat? From her prison.
Do you know the feeling for hours on end in tears be close to? But never able to shed even just one?
Do you know the fil ...
... of complete helplessness?
If so ... then you know how I feel. It was triggered today by the latest chapter of a story my best friend. Reinforced by the fact that I - in some strange way, infinitely sad - CD of my best friend. What is curious in itself, since it should give me hope and strength. But I believe I have never cried so often with any CD. ... I think I've never cried in any other CD.
Where this is probably for no is of interest. Just like everything else ...
No, not self-communication suffering. Do you know the feeling that steals over you, when you see a child achieve, in what kind of world we live in? If it notices that there is no equality. If it begins to understand the injustices. If it begins to understand that we are killing each other. For nothing. When it realized ... that we destroy ourselves and the world ...
This feeling I have the time. Times more likely to feel the child. The incredible hopelessness. The grief of my own incompetence. I can not change anything. NOTHING! I could blow us all in the air, but nothing would take it. I could blurting out the message ... if it were understood, it would interest anyone. Just another screamer. Just another disturber of the peace pantomime.
Do you know this anger? This unbridled rage. The rage which drives you angry tears in his eyes. Those who swings between anger and despair.
despair ... it dominates me constantly lately. I just read an entry shortly before one of my friends. One, my most important friends. It robs me every time the version that throws me in a hole with their melancholy. and I'm worried the same time it's embarrassing to admit to her that. I want her to call while I was there for them. You would know me, not only my facade. At least I was not entirely different. She knows more than some. Perhaps more than they suspect. I will offer her my hand. But is not my strength.
...
whether I have the strength to be made once there. Actually, I should. After all, it's about my life. And not only for my ... I can not and will explain more fully what a problem there. For all those I know who read this here - is another question where again, if it ever is someone that I do not know who would read my journal - the consequences would be .. . terrible. Maybe not for her as a person. But for them in terms of our friendship, which would probably break it. So I ask those that I know that they used to or will read later: Do not ask, Mellie.
This applies to the other as well. I know that I could not stand up to some point and would release the avalanche. Therefore, for my own peace of mind hardly present: Just do not ask. Thank you.
Back to the problem. Actually it is a decision problem. At least the problem, which follows the real problem. For all who do not understand: There is a problem. If this problem occurs, it causes another problem. The main problem is indeed horrible, but the second - precisely, the decision problem - takes your last nerve. It is the choice between my pride and my love. to CoRUN Above all, my love. But generally my love for my friends is involved. I can try to describe the problem a bit further: I am very proud. I was always that I will always be. So now I am again. Conceited, proud, narcissistic. Among other things, of course. I jump very reluctantly and awkwardly over my own shadow. I am what I am made of granite, not even trying to change me in mind! Sometimes I have my self some particles repel. Reluctantly. My pride is very strong. He also holds a weakness in my inability I admit. Some things, sports and French, for example, I admit that I'm bad at it. I make jokes about it, however, the two renounce any benefits. While I condemn it as useless, it does not scratch at my pride that I am incapable of it. Not so with things such as chemistry, mathematics, biology. One bad grade will get one of the world. With emphasis being placed on the former and the latter already a 4.5 is considered poor ... accordingly, the world has gone down countless times ...
My pride prevents me that the main problem may occur. If it still does this, there is only one way to maintain my pride. This possibility, however, would break the hearts of my friends, the heart of CoRUN. Some might only scrape, cut, perhaps only, there were scars only. But at least one heart, that my love would be destroyed forever. I talk with him, I realize that I'm using him in close, could never muster the strength for the solution of pride. But once I looking after his back on the journey back home, steals over me the confidence that I could not go on living. Would the solution of pride I would not follow break until the end of my days. My pride was shattered. I had lost all confidence, I would hate me. And maybe all others to, I would only go through them because of this.
other hand, I always said grandly, how loyal I was. This is what I am. If it comes to the death. I would die for any of my friends. Little or no twitch an eyelid. But this is a such a big sacrifice? After the death I am saved, I would not feel, miss anyone. The victims, it is much greater for someone to stay alive, right? To torment every day throughout the world. This is true loyalty, the only true victim.
Proud love ... loving pride. I have a choice. This is the decision problem.
Broken love ... hating pride. I have a choice.
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